Why is it so painful when somebody hurts you?

I see that the greatest problem of all times is the problem which occurs in personal relationships. It started even before the foundations of the world. The angel who was with God, in the Most high, sinned against God and that relationship got broken. That angel became God’s enemy known as the devil or satan. Satan took over that mission of breaking up relationships. He turned Adam and Eve against God. That’s how the loving relationship with God also was broken. It didn’t stop there, it continues even today, within and among families, among nations, parties and so on. The greatest problem of the universe is not lack of employment, nor lack of money, nor lack of education. It is all about relationship problems. So there is no escape from this. All of us are prone to the possibility of strained relationships, in office, church, families, etc. Therefore, we need to dig deep into the root cause of the relationship problems.

Let me take a small subset of the problems – hurt! Why does it hurt so much when somebody whom you loves, intentionally or unintentionally hurts you? Let us explore the root cause. This will help you to find the solution to the real root cause.

First reaction would be to hurt back

You know what I mean. It is a human nature to fight back. There are three common ‘reactions’ to any human attacks. Either FIGHT (attack back), or FLIGHT (flee or escape) or FREEZE (stand still without knowing what to do).

When you are in such a situation, just have a look at yourself from a different angle. You will find yourself doing any of these three.

Ok, let me ask you? If you get a chance to fight back, and you hurt them to the maximum extent, what would be the worst revenge you can take? Let me guess, you would kill them! Yeah, that’s what we see in the case of Cain and Abel in the Bible. Cain killed Abel.

But the problem is not resolved. Guilt will follow you, even though your opponent is no more, and the pain is still there in your heart. It will haunt you like never before. Look at all the criminals. Even though they had taken their maximum revenge, their anger is still not pacified.

Therefore, taking revenge is not a perfect solution to that problem.

Then, what next?

Next attempt, FLEE

Your next attempt would be to avoid that person or avoid that situation, so that you can avoid being hurt again. This is called FLIGHT response. ESCAPE the situation or RUN AWAY from the situation.

But if you are going for this approach, may be you will succeed in certain cases, like office or nation etc. because you always have an option to change the company or relocate to a different place. But what if those people are your family, friends and relatives. You can’t just avoid them. They are part of your life.

Therefore, fleeing is always not a good option. You are not addressing the real root cause.

Ok, then I will FREEZE

I will stand still and become hurt, and get hurt again, and again get hurt. Continue being hurt without taking revenge or fleeing. Just stand still and kill yourselves. Most people choose this option when they have no other option. They can’t backfire. They can’t escape. Only option left is to suffer.

This looks like a humble option, but I think if you continue in that state, your inner person will get wounded, and you will soon be prone to depression, self-pity, suicide etc.

Oh, no! Then tell me what I should do?

Good that you asked. I will show you a person who has never done a mistake in words, thoughts or actions, yet was prone to all kinds of attack, and suffered the worst thing in His life. He is none other than Jesus Christ Himself. Learn from Him how to handle such situations, because He is the One who has passed all these tests and have come out with flying colours.

Before you choose to ‘REACT’, let’s consider answering an important question!

Why am I hurt in the first place?

If you can find the answer to that question, you have won almost half the battle.

Let me answer that question for you. please don’t close the browser or get angry at me. Knowing the truth is sometimes painful. Let me tell you why you got hurt, in the first place.

It was because you had PRIDE in you!

Let me explain. You got hurt because somebody belittled you, or didn’t even consider your ideas, or didn’t give you the due respect, or treated you in an unfair means, or insulted you, or did not honour you.

If you think about why it pained so much when somebody said something against you, you will get to the root cause, it would be some attack to your inner self. Somebody didn’t value you enough, and that’s why it pained so much. That is because, you were not able to let go of your ego. In other words, you could not take it because, you had pride in you. Yes, that’s the truth. Even as you read this, if it pains you, you are still having an attitude problem of self-righteousness and pride.

That is why Jesus succeeded in handling hurts. He was the most humble person in this universe. Being God Himself, he took the form of a man and humbled Himself to the point of the death on the cross. (Philippians Chapter 2) Look at His humility. When people insulted Him, He did not retaliate or insulted back. He proved His humility. He was down to the earth and we can never image the depth of His humility, and that’s why he was able to succeed the emotional battles. He was compassionate to them that hurt him, that He even prayed to God to forgive those who were hurting Him. That’s the highest form of humility.

Now, consider your hurts one by one, and take a deep look at that, you will come to know that, at some point of time, you were not willing to let go off your ego, that’s the clear sign of pride.

We need to take one step down, when we are in such a situation again. Learn humility from Christ.

So what’s the practical solution, to overcome hurts?

You need GRACE. In other words, you need the help of God. But in order to receive grace from God, you need to take one step of humility.

But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble” James 4:6

The more you humble yourselves, the more grace your receive, and the more grace your receive, the more easy it will be to overcome hurtful situations. Next time when you say, “I am hurt” or “That person hurt me”, remember to take the next step of self-examination to find the root cause.

READ MORE5 simple tips to overcome hurtful words

Let us address the root cause, PRIDE, and we will become more wise in our ‘reactions’. May God grant you more grace.

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  • Vinod Mathew

    Nice article Donny. Hurts are main problem of people which make us paralize. Through which Satan lays his obstacle. But we have hope in Jesus Christ. Who loved the enemies who rejected him who betrayed him and crucified him. If he is with us we can overcome hurts in our personal life. So we have to take a step of forgiveness and loving our enemies and praying for those who hurt us. Surely his grace is sufficient for us.Hallelujah. It is important to expose our wounds to love of Jesus chtist to get it healed.

    • http://hisvoiceonline.com/ Donny Thomas Kurien

      Amen. True Vinod. It’s at his feet we download the love of God which enables us to do the same things as Jesus did

      • Vinod Mathew


        • http://hisvoiceonline.com/ Donny Thomas Kurien


  • Aloshni Kruba

    Wonderful Anna(bro)! You caught the real problem by God’s grace! But I request you to write in future about the hurt that is caused by victimization – which leads to hating themselves and not the one who offended them! The people who have been brutally victimized for many years continuously especially from childhood dont have pride but feel inferior! I sure know that u will address that as well as a continuation of this topic! May God guide u! :)

    • http://hisvoiceonline.com/ Donny Thomas Kurien

      That’s a very valid topic. Let me learn through and share the thoughts if the Lord gives any.

      Thanks Aloshni